Monday, 22 October 2012

Five Sentence Fiction: Flawed

Photograph by Lisa Shambrook (Please do not use without permission)

We have an interesting relationship, my mum and I, it’s always been us against the world and Dad drifts by like a sailboat out there on the rough seas of the wide, wide ocean.
So it’s always been Mum and me, she so immaculately turned out and me a scruff-bag tomboy slouching at her side.
She’s perfect, my mum, in high-heeled boots as well-heeled as she, and long, flowing skirts wrapping around her bohemian ways, and long-sleeved tops that are always rustic like a warm autumn day.
She’s the best ever, the bee’s knees they say, and even though I know she cries, it’s fine because I’m there and she doesn’t need anyone else…I’ll see her through.
I watch her smile with my eyes and kiss the crooked lines beside hers; I run my hands through her silken hair and trace those thin spider’s webs decorating her arms with my fingers, we’re perfect you see, my mum and me.

24 comments:

  1. What a delightful voice comes through with this, Lisa. I totally loved it. Made me think of my daughter (in a hopeful wistful kind of way). Thanks so much!

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    1. Thanks Stacy, I'm fascinated that this piece has meant different things to people, glad it meant something to you!

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  2. Very lyrical and childlike.

    Favourite line today "Dad drifts by like a sailboat out there on the rough seas of the wide, wide ocean." what a wonderful way of putting it whether he is physically absent or just always busy and on the periphery.

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    1. I'm loving how this can be interpreted in several ways, and yes, the father could be either. It's fun to read between the lines!

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  3. Until the last sentence I hadn't realized that the writer was grown and Mum was old. I enjoyed that realization. Lovely.

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    1. I love the way you've interpreted this Andrew...and reading it back, it works exactly as you've said! I've achieved ambiguity (hopefully in a good way!). Will be interested to see how others see this one...

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  4. Lisa, I felt an underlying current of ominous proportion...have I been reading too many dark stories of late? They seem a too attached, too close, too...?

    I also like that the story could be different to different readers.

    Well done as always! :))

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    1. Thanks Jo, I definitely wrote ominous...so I'm glad you could detect it! The relationship I'm writing about is unhealthy in its attachment, but the narrator wouldn't get that!

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  5. Wonderfully written! I thought the description of the mother was poetic and I felt like I watched the two age! Nicely done.

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    1. Thanks for your comment CC, I hoped it would be whimsically poetic from the child's point of view!

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  6. I am captured by the little girl who loves her Mum so much that she sees no flaws, despite the insecurities of the woman herself. But there is a foreboding energy, as if the girl must eventually embrace her own needs when she inevitably has to let her Mum go...

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    1. You've got it totally Britton, she's blind to any imperfection and that's going to hurt one day...

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  7. I love the positive voice, that sense of optimism that the grief kept hidden is just another piece of perfection

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it,and that the haunting grief bubbles away beneath the surface...oblivious to the child!

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  8. This is lovely, but turns 'possesive' at the end. It begs an ending...

    Really enjoyed my visit.

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    1. It does doesn't it? The child is very possessive and her speech is all over the place in tense! It's going to be a tough relationship...the rest of the story in a slightly different form will be my NaNoWriMo novel...looking forward to writing!

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  9. I found this to be beautifully poetic and almost melancholy but in a devotedly loving sort of way; but at the same time jealous...

    A wonderful read.

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    1. I think that hits the nail on the head! There's a jealous possessiveness!

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  10. I love it. Beautifully written! I love the voice of the child, and the unconditional love for the mother, despite the flaws in their life.

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    1. Thanks Christina, very unconditional... :)

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  11. It's really interesting reading the comments and seeing the different takes people had on this - it made me go back and read it several times, looking at it from different perspectives - great piece of writing!

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    1. Thanks for reading and commenting Sarah, definitely been interesting looking at the different perspectives!

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  12. Really nice flowing prose Lisa. That was great to read.
    Cheers,
    W.

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    1. Thanks Wayne, I appreciate your comment, I'd hoped it flowed well!

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